I help women manifest their soulmates. Their partner. Their love. Their other half. Call it what you will…
And I wish I could tell you that the work stopped there.
Step 1. Learn to love yourself.
Step 2. Attract in your reciprocal.
Step 3. Happily ever after.
That’s not how it works.
Using the tools I teach to other women, I manifested the man of my dreams.
And shortly after we moved in together, things got hard.
Like really hard.
Like ‘what would you do if we broke up’ type of conversation really hard.
And let me tell you, my heart was hurting.
I had attracted in the love of my life and yet old patterns and thoughts and belief systems were getting in the way and sabotaging this relationship that I had worked so hard to get.
I learned really quick that the work never ends. And especially not in the most important relationship – the one with your intimate.
Our partner is an amazing (and sometimes hard to see) mirror.
I knew these fights that my guy and I were having were not only about him..but deeply deeply about me.
When he said that I made him feel like ‘he wasn’t good enough and that he failed,’ well you can bet I flipped that around in my head instantly to mean “I don’t think I’m good enough and I think I failed.”
Wait, let me back up here. I’m getting ahead of myself.
As soon as we shifted from honeymoon phase and started down this path to self-sabotage, there were two very important tools that I used to figure out what the hell was going on and how the heck to fix it.
Because ultimately, deep down in my heart, I know I deserve to have an amazing relationship with myself an with my beloved.
And if you’re reading this, so do you.
1. The Work by Byron Katie
The premise of the Work is 4 questions. Byron Katie offers up the worksheet freely on her website which you can access and print out at any time.
You take a belief that is bothering you. Perhaps it is about someone you haven’t forgiven.
In my case, I will use a very personal example to show you how it’s done:
“I believe that my partner doesn’t really love me and doesn’t want to be with me.”
Question 1: Is it true? Yes or no.
In this case, when I searched into my heart (and it didn’t take much searching) I found the answer to be ‘no.’
If I had answered ‘yes’ I would have moved onto question 2.
Question 2: Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Question 3: How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
For me, I felt sad and insecure. I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
You can then dig deeper into the reply by answering an additional series of questions.
a) Does that thought bring peace or stress into your life?
b) What images do you see, past and future, and what physical sensations arise as you think that thought and witness those images?
c) What emotions arise when you believe that thought?
d) Do any obsessions or addictions begins o appear when you believe that thought? (Do you act out on any of the following: alcohol, drugs, credit cards, food, sex, television?)
e) How do you treat the person in this situation when you believe the thought? How do you treat other people and yourself?
Question 4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would simply be at peace. I would be happy in my relationship on a daily basis and excited about all the big changes ahead of us! I would enjoy each and every moment with this amazing being who loves me dearly.
And after you’ve done all of this, the turn-around. Take the belief and turn it around to yourself, to the other and to the opposite.
The Turn Around
1. To the Self – I don’t really love me.
2. To the other – I don’t really love him.
3. To the opposite – He doesn’t really love me.
And then you ask yourself if the turnaround is less true, true, or more true than the original statement. And let me tell you, you’ll know if your heart immediately if they are true or even truer than your originally statement.
For me, #1 was huge. My heart was saying, “OH YEAH!” Whereas for #2 and #3 it was a quick answer of “that’s not true.”
Even more, it’s beneficial to find at least 3 times in this situation where you can find those turn arounds to be true.
By doing this exercise I VERY QUICKLY realized my core issue was a feeling of not being good enough and not loving myself.
I realized that I had been forgetting about me.
And remembering that the only way we can truly attract love into our lives is by loving ourselves FIRST. Only then can we attract in the exact same love.
Little me, the scared little girl inside, was not feeling the love. So she was lashing out…
Which brings me to the second exercise on my healing journey to self-love and awareness.
2. Taming Your Outer Child by Susan Anderson
This is a book that is the culmination of over 30 years of clinical experience performed by Susan Anderson.
The premise is that we all have an inner child.
The inner child is our 4 year old self that has basic needs to feel loved and safe and secure. When those needs aren’t being met, our outer child acts out as a way to get those needs to be met. However, it’s never in a healthy way and as a result of outer child’s actions, it usually makes the problem worse.
- Inner child wants to feel safe and secure and protected but feels scared because you’re in debt. Outer child responds by going on a shopping spree with the credit cards. Because after all, having more stuff makes you feel good about yourself and secure in your social status, right?
- Inner child wants to feel loved and good about herself. But you’ve been hurt in the past by previous relationships. So outer responds by binge eating. You gain weight. Outer thinks she is helping because now you’re overweight and ‘safe’ and not attracting in a partner. You can’t get hurt if you’re not in a relationship, right?
- Outer is the one that eats the chocolate cake when you’re on a diet.
- Outer is the one that procrastinates when you’ve got an important deadline.
Essentially outer child acts out when the inner child is tired, cranky, triggered or stressed and her needs aren’t being met.
When I realized that issues between he and I were most certainly our outer children acting out, I did a writing exercise.
It might seems silly. And it will most likely seem a little schizophrenic, but it works. And I highly suggest you try it.
The Little/Big Exercise:
Close your eyes and imagine your inner child. Your inner child is you at four years old and just wants love. When those needs aren’t being met, Outer Child (lets pretend it’s a big brother around 10 years old) acts out to help protect Inner. But it always makes things worse.
See your Inner Child. See your Outer child. And then put your Adult Self in the room with the two of them. Your adult self is a loving, caring adult. (I usually envision a loving aunt or grandma for this).
Tell Inner child that it’s okay to turn around and stand up to Outer Child. Inner child tells Outer Child that there is no need to protect her any more because Adult Self is there.
Now this is where it gets fun.
Open your eyes. Grab and pen and paper and start by having a conversation between your Inner Child and your Adult (Big) self.
I will use the beginning of my dialog as an example so you can see how powerful this work is and you’ll be surprised by what actually comes up!
Big: What’s up, little? Why is Outer acting up so much? What am I missing?
Little: I’m scared. What if Ron doesn’t like me in the end? Once he really gets to know me? What if I’m unlovable?
Big: That’s not possible. You’re completely lovable. I love you!
Little: No you don’t. You’re so worried about external validation that you’re not really focused on loving me.
Big: That’s going to change. I’ll do things every day to show that I love you. I do love you. And I love Ron, too.
Little: But what about me? If you don’t love me, things will get worse. Outer will keep acting out and sabotage your relationship with Ron. And you’ll be alone. And unhappy. Because all you’ll be left with is me…who you don’t really love. And we’ll both be sad.
Big: I hear you. I’m listening. You need more love. I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you. What can I do?
You see?! It’s so amazing what comes up in our subconscious as we’re having a conversation with ourselves.
The conversation went on and I realized some deep and powerful nuggets, such as: “I’m so scared of being seen for who I really am. What if I’m not good enough?”
The conversation ended with Big comforting Little and promising to “be pro-active and take the steps I need to take and not allow fear to ruin my life. I’ll put on my big girl pants and start acting like a mature grown-up and show you love. I’ll act from my heart in love and not from fear.”
I know, sounds a bit crazy.
But you’ll have to trust me on this.
These 2 steps saved my relationship.
And I continue to use them when necessary. It’s a never-ending process. We don’t reach enlightenment. Just like we don’t reach a perfect relationship end-point where we can just sit back, put our feet up and enjoy the good life.
I wish I would have known about them earlier. But I know about them now. And now you have the tools, too.
Oh, and one more thing….
You HAVE to write down the conversation with Little.
If you just THINK the dialog, your mind is too quick. It gets ahead of you and tries to come up with the solution. You HAVE to write and have the conversation. Only then you will reach your ‘a-ha’ moments.
Your homework: Buy the books. Read them. Do the work.
And I promise, your life will improve. Not just in your love life and relationships, but in general.
And tell me what happens when you do so.
Already read the books? Tell me below how you’ve put those tools into your life practice! Not just in relationships but in every aspect!