Now before you start thinking that this is a pro-lesbian piece…
It actually has nothing to do with lesbians. (I’m pro-lesbian, pro-choice, pro-gays, pro-whatever-you-wanna-be.)
Instead, allow me to inform the heterosexual male species why sex isn’t always so enjoyable for us females and why sometimes we don’t want to have sex with you.
“I have a headache.”
Ever heard that one before?
There are various reasons why a woman simply ‘wont’ be in the mood’ and guess what, buster? It has a LOT to do with YOU or past men that have left her unfulfilled and wanting more.
I’m ordering the reasons in order of importance, with the most important reason up on top.
1. You're the Only One Getting Off
This is the most important reason a woman doesn’t want to sleep with you. I don’t care if it’s the first time you’re sleeping together or the 1,000th time. If you ain’t pleasing her to orgasm, she most likely will NOT be pleased and will not want to sleep with you again.
Sex is a two way street where both partners are enjoying themselves. And don’t get me wrong and think it has to be tit-for-tat. There’s been plenty of sexual romps with my man where only one of us got off. We’ve had sexual experiences where one of us focused ENTIRELY on the other person’s pleasure. It’s all part of the adult teeter-totter game.
Instead, I’m talking about the men who just have sex for their pleasure and don’t put any focus on the woman.
This type of sexual relations seemed to be HUGE (at least for me) in my 20s. Men just wanted one thing and they didn’t care about if the woman got off. Or they didn’t know any better and thought that ‘penetration’ was enough to stimulate an orgasm. Or they were too immature to talk about sex and feelings and emotions.
Simple questions like:
“Does it feel good when I touch you like this?”
Make a world of a difference in regards to pleasuring your partner (and it goes both ways, you know!)
Men, if you’re the only one consistently getting off (and trust me, you SHOULD know if she orgasmed without a doubt), it’s time to learn how to please your lady or else she ain’t going to be sticking around much longer.
Here’s some fun facts:
•62 percent of women always orgasm during masturbation
•34 percent of women always orgasm during oral sex
•27 percent of women always orgasm during intercourse where the penis enters the vagina
•26 percent of women always orgasm during genital touching
It's time to step up your game!
2. You're Not Very Good At Sex... Or Sex Becomes Predictable
This is a hard pill to swallow, I’m sure because most men (when asked) will claim to be a stallion in the sack!
Unfortunately it’s not the case.
According to a recent survey, not only are 80 percent of women putting their health last—after their children, spouses and even pets—but 62 percent of women admitted to not being satisfied with their sex lives.
Umm…that’s a lot of unhappy sex lives.
And if sex is starting to become predictable, your honey is most likely going to say “Not tonight, sweetie, I’m tired.”
So, what can you do to spice things up in the bedroom? Try having sex outside of the bedroom. There’s a lot of other rooms in your house. Or outside of your house, for that matter! Surprise her with flowers, sexy music, or a new sexual position. Buy a book on Kama Sutra and randomly open to a page and exclaim “We are trying this tonight, baby!”
Sex is the spice of life, so make sure it’s extra spicy!
That’s a quote, right? 🙂
Now, what happens if you fear you might not be very good at sex?
There is where communication comes into the equation. Start asking your sexual partner(s) what she likes. Listen to her breath when you’re touching her. Do a bit of research on how to get her off. Treat sex like anything else you’ve mastered in your life. To be great at it, you’ve got to dedicate some time to study!
Trust me, I’ve never met a woman who claimed that her man was too good in the sack.
3. She's Sexually Frustrated... and it's because of You!
Number 3 really is just an extension of the last two points. If you’re not good at sex and if she isn’t really enjoying it how she’d prefer, she’s going to be become extremely sexually frustrated and not want to ‘do it’ with you.
She’ll probably also spend more time fantasizing about others and this is when you can start down a slippery slope. (And not in a good slippery way!)
If she’s sexually frustrated, you two have got to get GREAT at communicating. She’s only frustrated because you’re not pleasuring her how SHE likes.
You need to ask her what she wants. But she also needs to speak up and tell you how she likes it.
Great sex is a two-way street of communication.
In general, most women want more foreplay, more intimacy, more touching and more kissing. If she feels like a piece of meat, a mounting block, or simply a hole to get off in, well she’s not going to want to continue to sleep with you.
For women, sex is all about the emotional connection. And I know you men most likely don’t want to hear this next bit but you’ve got to talk about it. And not when you’re horizontal. Instead, have an open and honest conversation about sex over dinner.
Honey, I’ve been thinking about sex lately. And I want to learn how to please you even more. Please, tell me what you like in bed.
Any woman will LOVE a man that puts her pleasure as a priority.
4. Poor Communication
No matter how long you’ve been dating or if this is a one-night stand, if two two of you cannot communicate, the sex most likely will not be great and she’s not going to want to sleep with you again.
(Looking to improve your communication with your signifiant other. Check out my Communication Course!)
The quality of the relationship with a partner can seriously impact the quality of a woman's sexual experiences. When a woman is not feeling loved, cherished and appreciated by her partner, the last thing she wants to do is have sex with him.
Having sex is directly attached to a woman’s emotions. Yup, I’ve said it again. If she is upset, angry or resentful towards her mate, sex is probably not going to happen. If it does happen, it will most likely be out of obligation with little or no satisfaction for her. Which then brings us back to point number 1. If she’s not getting off or not enjoying it, she’s not going to want to continue to sleep with you.
Here’s what I suggest: talk to your lady.
And not about trivial shit. Things that matter to her.
At least once a day ask her how she feels about something directly related to her emotional state.
- Honey, how do you feel about our relationship?
- Babe, how do you feel about our sex life?
- Darling, how would you feel about trying a new sexual position tonight?
- Love, how are you feeling today about us and our life together?
Taking the time to ask your partner about her feelings and listen whole-heartedly works wonders to improve communication and also increase emotional intimacy between the two of you leading to….
And better sex, too.
5. Busy Schedules & Exhausted Bodies
If her schedule is insane and she’s physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, it will leave little room for sex.
Yeah - this one isn’t your fault!
However, it’s something the two of you can work on so that you are both getting enough sex in your life which will improve the mood, reduce the stress and increase overall body health.
Here’s what you can do:
1. Talk about it. (Honey, in an ideal world, how much sex would you like to be having? In a perfect world, would someone else be dropping the kids off at all their extra curricular activities? Would you like to hire a part-time nanny or housecleaner?)
Taking some items off her to-do list can make a HUGE difference. So many women think they have to do it all. Which is simply untrue.
Help your lady out, when possible.
2. Prioritize Sex
I highly encourage a ‘date-night’ at least once a week where the two of you are alone and hanging out. You’ve planned a romantic dinner. Kids are somewhere else and the two of you can simply focus on your relationship again.
While all the items on your to-do list may seem really important, truly nothing is as important as a healthy and sexually fulfilling love life with the person you love.
6. She Doesn't Feel Sexy
If a woman doesn’t feel sexy, she’s not going to feel like having sex. (What a concept, right?)
In the US, we are a bit obsessed with looks and there’s an unrealistic expectation that a woman looks a certain way. There was a study published in The Journal of Sex Research that found that the emphasis in American culture on being young and thin is more influential than menopause when it comes to sexual satisfaction.
No matter her looks or her size, there are so many things you can do to help your partner feel sexy and as a result, feel like having sex with you!
Tell her on a daily basis everything you love about her. Make sure to cover all the bases, not just the physical attributes. Tell her how much you appreciate her and that she takes care of the kids, she cleans the house, she makes dinner, she makes 6 figures, whatever it is, think of various reasons you love the heck out of her and tell her these things daily.
Many relationships fail because partners start to take each other for granted and forget to focus on the positive attributes of their partners.
Here’s another idea: figure out your partner’s Love Language and make sure to speak to it on a daily basis. This will go a long way in getting you more high-quality sex, my friends!
(Once again, for all you couples out there, check out my course on Communication. We address the Love Languages first thing!)
7. Your Penis Size
Okay, you feared this was going to come up on the list, didn’t you? And I almost didn’t put it on here. But to be honest, yes it does play a role in sex. But, it’s not super important. Ask any woman and many will agree that it’s ‘not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean’ that makes up for great sex.
It’s ‘not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean’ that makes up great sex.
Your penis is just ONE PART of sex. And if you two have great communication, and you are actively engaged in her pleasure, and you’re mixing things up, and you’re taking stress off her plate, then I’d say you two are having great sex regardless of the size, color, location of your member.
But if you suck at everything else AND you’re lacking in the girth department, then you’re out of luck my friend.
You can’t change your penis size, but you can read points 1 through 6 again and step up your game!
Ladies... comment below. Anything else I missed that you'd like men to know.
Men... tell us your thoughts. We're all grown-ups here!
(And of course make sure to share on your favorite social media platform because there are some clueless boys out there!)